Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sloganeerist hasn't been around much...

Lately you can find him messing around with a couple other things, though.

Things like:

American Drink

sloganeerist(+): A Tumblr

Perhaps he'll return here someday as well. Seems likely, as somebody will eventually have to come around and feed all these cats.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Luke: But with the blast shield down, I can’t even see. How’m I supposed to fight?

(muffled laughter)

Ben: Your eyes can, um, deceive you. Don’t trust them!

(muffled laughter)

Luke: Don’t trust my eyes?

Ben: Yeah. No. Stretch out with your feelings.

Luke: Stretch my what?

(muffled laughter)

Ben: You know. Your feelings. Just… like, feel it!

Luke: But how can…

Ben: Listen, you want to be a Jedi, don’t you?

Luke: Well, sure I do, it’s just that…

Ben: Well, this is part of that. Fighting with the blast shield down. That’s part of the deal. All Jedis do it.

(muffled laughter)

Luke: They do?

Ben: Sure they do.

Luke: This isn’t like when you guys made me eat all that food mixed up together is it? When I got sick?

Ben: Mm-m. What? No, no, this isn’t like that. That was a joke. This is real. This is a real Jedi thing. Fighting with the blast shield down. Ask anyone. You guys have all heard of that, right?

Chewbacca: Aaauurrrghh.

Han: Fighting with the blast shield down.

Ben: Fighting with the blast shield down.

Luke: Well, okay then. I’ll give it a try.

Ben: Try not. Do.

Luke: What?

Ben: Eh. Uh, nothing. Just do it. Try it. Whatever.

Luke: Okay. Turn the thing on.

Ben: Wait, wait, here. Put this on too.

(muffled laughter)

Luke: What is this? It feels like…

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s uhhh… Jedi skull… cap. You know, for Jedis.

Luke: It feels like…

Ben: It’s nothing.

Luke: It feels like ladies’ panties.

(muffled laughter)

Ben: It’s not. It’s a Jedi skull hat. Cap. Just put it on.

Luke: But…

Ben: On your head.

(muffled laughter)

Luke: Hey, are you guys laughing?

Ben: No. What? No. Never mind them. Yes. They’re laughing at you. Cos you don’t want to be a Jedi.

Luke: But I do! I do want to be a Jedi!

Ben: I don’t know. I think maybe this was a mistake.

Luke: No, Ben! I really do want to be a Jedi!

Ben: I don’t know. I just don’t know if it’s working out. What do you guys think?

Chewbacca: Aaauurrrghh.

Han: Yeah, maybe it’s not working out, kid.

Luke: Give me that Jedi skull cap! I’ll show you guys. I am a Jedi.

(muffled laughter)

Ben: Okay, buddy.

Friday, December 25, 2009

1982 NFC Championship

On NFL Network (or whatever it’s called) right now. Oh, precious bedridden Baby Jeezy in a Bill Belichick Flashdance sweatshirt, it’s a Kristmist miracle. So beautiful. Your broadcast team: Vin Scully and Hank Stram — the 80s NFL TV equivalent of Dylan Thomas and Lou Costello.

When this game happened, I’d only recently turned 12 years old, and was watching on a B&W television in my bedroom. And when Dwight Clark caught that pass from Joe Montana, I hit the ceiling. Literally. With my fists. And despite the bloody knuckles, it didn’t even hurt. Cos the Cowboys had lost. Finally. Finally. Sweet glory hallelujah.

It marked the beginning of the 49ers Dynasty, and in retrospect, I’m amazingly lucky to have seen it and to remember it so vividly. But at the time, despite how much I dug Dwight Clark, Freddie Solomon, Earl Cooper and Hacksaw Reynolds, my happiness had nothing to do with San Francisco winning. Today, my real memories consist largely of that play (no doubt with the assistance of thousands of replays in the years since), and numerous players’ names (surely helped by the shoeboxes of football cards shoplifted from the neighborhood grocery store).

But mostly, I have that big golden glossy memory of God answering my prayers for the first time ever. Those Dallas cocksuckers had once again found themselves in a bigtime game, in a bigtime moment, at a bigtime juncture in NFL history—and they’d finally pulled out the dick-end of the pixie stick. It was glorious. Hitler going down in flames. Satan being cast out of heaven. Danny White watching helplessly as Ray Wershing booted the go-ahead extra point. Die Cowboys. Die, I pleaded. And they died.

Best thing? If you’re a football fan at all, five minutes of watching a game like this will confirm what you’ve silently, almost subconsciously suspected for years: every wide receiver playing then was better than every wide receiver that has played since. Graceful, focused, acrobatic, artistic. Dwight Clark’s famous catch may be have changed the course of NFL history. But Charlie Young, Drew Pearson, Tony Hill and Butch Johnson all had better catches in this game.

Go watch it, dummy. It’s Christmas.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Gimme a minute.

It's almost winter. See you soon.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Other Dozens

A Millworker's Dozen (17)

A Cable Guy's Dozen (31)

A Baker's Assistant's Dozen (11)

A Hobo's Dozen (2)

A Brando's Dozen (436)

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Online Review Headers for Knights Inn Hotel, Murfreesboro, TN

Should be called KNIGHTMARES INN!

Knights Inn service night-mare!

More liek nights in nightmare! terrible LOL

They should name this place the night mare hotel!!

Can we say 'nightmare inn'?

Welcome to my "Knights (Inn) mare."


Ideal for business travelers.


Monday, July 06, 2009

Less Intimidating Mountain Trails

The Devil’s Urethra

The Devil’s Brandy Snifter

The Devil’s Super-Comfy Recliner

The Devil’s ‘92 Taurus

The Devil’s Denim Fanny Pack That Isn’t Gay

The Devil’s Taint

The Devil’s Rainbow Suspenders

The Devil’s FREE Moon Bounce

The Devil’s Suspicious-Looking Mole That’s Probably Nothing

The Devil’s Autographed First Edition Hardback Copy of John McPhee’s Encounters With the Archdruid

The Devil’s Ceramic Pig Collection

The Devil’s Back Surgery

Hopalong Devil’s Good Time Family Fun Trail (Now fully ADA-compliant)